Monday, November 1, 2010

Loglines and Inspiring Mondays

Today I'm part of a logline blogfest courtsey of Steena.

I'm gonna post two loglines for two different stories. Feel free to comment about one or the other or both!

Logline #1:

Hidden in Shadows
urban fantasy with romance elements

(side note: I've been having some real difficulty with this one. There are three major components to the story: the revenge, the love, and Lorna's discovery of her powers. All three are important and related in the story but I can't quite figure out a way to show how they are connected within the logline. Here's my best try.)

Traumatized by witnessing her father’s brutal murder, Lorna masters her feelings of powerlessness by becoming an assassin. As Lorna grows closer to finding her father’s murderer, she strives to master her newfound shadow power, the ability to create and hide in shadows. When she falls for a new target, Lorna must make a choice – love or revenge.

REVISED based on comments:



Traumatized by witnessing her father’s brutal murder, Lorna masters her feelings of powerlessness by becoming an assassin.  As a paranorm with the ability to create and hide in shadows, shegrows closer to avenging her father's death but when she falls for her latest target, Lorna must make a choice between love and revenge.

One-line:

As a paranorm with the ability to create and hide in shadows, assassin Lorna grows closer to avenging her father's death but is torn between duty and desire when she falls for her latest target.

Logline #2:

Alexia's Pen

fantasy YA


When fifteen-year-old aspiring novelist Alexia is given a mysterious pen that writes of its own accord, she discovers the mystical, but real, Land of Imagining, which is threatened by great evil. To save the inhabitants and her kidnapped family, Alexia must use the pen’s power before the Land of Imagining becomes the Land of Terror.

I also have a one-liner which I agree with everyone is better than the two line logline:


When fifteen-year-old aspiring novelist Alexia is given a mysterious pen that writes of its own accord, she discovers the mystical Land of Imagining, a land only she can save from demons.

Looking forward to reading and helping you all to have awesome loglines! And before I forget, here's today's photo for inspiring Mondays (a female assassin picture in honor of Lorna)

31 comments:

salarsenッ said...

Ooh, I really like the one liner for Alexia's Pen. It gripped me.

The logline for your first ms seemed long to me. I think the first and second sentence can be blended. Not quite sure how because I don't know everything about the story. (Plus, I'm struggling with my own. lol)

I participated in Steena's blogfest today, too. I'm so glad she did it.

E.J. Wesley said...

I think they both sound awesome, Nicole. I'd agree with the first reply in that the 1st might be on the longish side, but what do I know?

vbtremper said...

Hi Nicole,

Try to get Lorna's logline down to 2 sentences. You don't need to tell us she's traumatized by the inciting event, I think it will become clear. You also use the word master(s) twice. Shadow power and it's definition are redundant, just use the definition.

I'm confused about what are Lorna's goal, conflict and stakes. If she doesn't master the shadow power then what? Or if she doesn't find her father's murderer then what? You may be trying to say too much here.

The YA logline is great! My one nit-picky comment is to get rid of the "but real". Use this same formula for Lorna and I think you'll get there.

Good luck!
Vicki

Laura Pauling said...

I like both story ideas.

On the first one - I don't think you need the first sentence, it feels more like backstory.

And for the second idea - I like the one liner better.

Good luck with these stories!

Colene Murphy said...

Good luck!
(You have an award waiting for you)

Meredith said...

Land of Imagining? That's so cool! I love the one-liner :)

lbdiamond said...

Oooh, both sound so interesting!!! I like the second version of each--they seem much cleaner. I'd totally want to read these! :D

Emy Shin said...

I think the revised versions of both are very nicely written and intriguing!

For the first logline, I would suggest changing "love or revenge" to "love and revenge" -- because this is preceded by "between," unlike in the first version, where the "or" is appropriate. :)

Steena Holmes said...

Love the revised one.

Your one liner for Alexis is fantastic.

Rachel Morgan said...

I really like the revised version for the first story. You really tightened it up nicely. Well done :-)
PS. I love the design of your blog!

Nicole Zoltack said...

Thanks for your feedback, everyone! Loglines are tricky, but I think I finally have ones that work. Yay, Steena, thanks for the awesome blogfest!

gideon 86 said...

I really like the second on both. The Alexis one liner is perfect.

Thanks for your advise on my blog.

Michael

Susan Kaye Quinn said...

Your loglines are great! I like the added detail in the last one about demons - helps to make it more concrete! :)

Jamie said...

I definitely like the one-liner for Alexia's Pen. It supplies all the info we need in a tight and precise way, nicely done!

Vicki Rocho said...

As master assassin Lorna grows closer to avenging her father's death, she is torn between duty and desire when she falls for her latest target.

(I think you could end there and keep it as a one-liner...but let's see if we can get the shadows in--I don't think it's critical to understanding the plot though).

Lorna's newfound ability to cloak herself in shadows might hold the key to ___ (making the right decision/cornering a killer/something else here)

Logline #2, I like the two sentence version. In the one-sentence I'd change demons to 'destruction'. Just a personal preference.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

My brain's about to explode from reading loglines. Which one are you looking at entering for the MSFV contest? I'll look at them tomorrow. So far I love them both. :D

Rachael Harrie said...

Hi, I think your revised #1 is much tighter. A couple of minor points (1) you mention "newfound" and then "new target", I wonder if you can remove the second "new" to avoid repetition, and (2) there's something about "a new target" that halted the flow of the logline for me a little. How about "When she falls for her next target"??? This answers issue (1) as well.

For logline #2, I stumbled a little on "writes of its own accord." Can you simplify that a little and inject some more voice, something like "that writes when it wants to"??? Also, I'm not sure about the flow of the passage with all those commas. What about em-dashes instead of the commas around "but real"???

Hope this helps :)

Rach

Bekah said...

I also agree that for the first it seems to long. I actuallthought that the first sentence was great- very gripping. She becomes an assassin- cool! My feeling is maybe to leave out the second sentence in that and end it with like....assassin, but she'll have to make the choice between love or revenge.

Those are great stakes right there!!

Andrea Franco-Cook said...

Interesting premise. I like the following logline the best. It flows well and includes the stakes. IMHO.

As assassin Lorna grows closer to finding her father’s murderer, she strives to master her newfound ability to create and hide in shadows. When she falls for a new target, Lorna must make a choice between love and revenge.

Marieke said...

I love the idea of Alexia's Pen! However, reading it like this it sounds almost like MG, not YA. Just my observation :)

Jackee said...

Go, Nicole!! :o) You've put a lot of thought and effort into this.

In the first one I would suggest dropping the paranormal part for the logline. That can be a pleasant surprise for the reader later and then frees you up to focus on the conflicts. Good luck, my friend!

RaShelle said...

The one-liner for the first long line is great! love it.

The second one. I like the one line, but it still seems too wordy.

The premise for it sounds great. =D

meradeth said...

I really like the first revised version of your Hidden in Shadows logline, and the one-sentence pitch for Alexia's pen is great, too. The logline for AP is nice, but the "great evil" is too general, and the fact that her family has been kidnapped kind of came out of the blue. A little tweaking might help some.

Huntress said...

By far, I like 'Revised based on comments...As assasin Lorna...'

It tells me enough to gauge the story w/o giving away too much of the story.

I trippped over '...masters her feelings...by becoming an assassin.' It left me scratching my head.

Regarding the YA, I liked the one-liner. I think loglines/pitches are a Goldilocks situation with just the right amount of information, not too much, not too little. But juuuuuust right.

roh morgon said...

I like the one-liners for each of your stories - nicely done!

Margay said...

I think you did well on both log lines. I much prefer writing the two- to three-line pitches myself - I'm not good at writing short!

Margay

Karen Akins said...

I definitely like the one-liners of both. I'd be more likely to read the shadow assassin one, just more up my alley.

Not crazy about the phrase "love or revenge" in the two-line version of the assassin. It makes me stop and wonder "love for whom? revenge against whom?" But not necessarily in the way you want people to pause during your logline.

But good job on both overall!

Sandra said...

Ditto to the one liners. I think they are both excellent - definitely more instantly engaging than the longer versions. I agree with Karen about 'love or revenge' - what you have in the one liner works much better.

Steena Holmes said...

I got your loglines girl :)

Sue said...

HI, and thanks for the crit on my blog.

I love the one liner! It's just so concise and gives me everything I need to know to make me want to read your book! The two liner good as well.

Good luck!

Azimuth - Chasing the Muse

Cat said...

I like this one: As a paranorm with the ability to create and hide in shadows, assassin Lorna grows closer to avenging her father's death but is torn between duty and desire when she falls for her latest target.
Except I'd swap desire for love. Desire doesn't include feeling. You can desire a person without actually loving him/her