Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Heavenly Lawn Care Joke

I received this joke in an email and that it was too funny so I'm passing it on.

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles. 

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?"

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a really stupid movie about.....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.


Talli Roland said...

Haha! Thanks, Nicole!

Creepy Query Girl said...

I had never, ever given this any thought before. but yes, humans are weird that way, putting esthetically pleasing lawns before nature, their budget, or any such logic. Funny post!

Stina Lindenblatt said...

ROFL. This is the best. :D

When it's put that way, we really are stupid. :)

Stephen Tremp said...

Great stuff. I guess its all about perspective. And thanks for stopping by Talli's blog today and saying hi.

ciaraknight said...

LOL. Way too funny. Thanks for sharing. Feeling a little guilty at the moment though. :)

Okie said...

nice...I like that

Elana Johnson said...

Exactly! And this is why I live in a townhome and don't have to take care of my lawn. :)

Jackee said...

Ha, ha! That's funny. Since I live on a cinder cone and can't grow grass I've noticed I've started taking this attitude about grass. It's so pointless and so wasteful.

Thanks for the laugh!

Jen Daiker said...

Bahahaha this was fantastic!!!

Carolina Valdez Miller said...

I saw this recently! So so funny! And so true. It's crazy to think of what we put ourselves through. Such silliness. Thanks for sharing!

Arlee Bird said...

This is funny, but also makes a lot of sense. We do some crazy things.

Tossing It Out