Before I start to query agents widely for Hidden in Shadows, I thought I would post my latest query letter (just the pitch portion) for it:
Lorna McCloud is an assassin hell bent on avenging her father's murder only she has no leads. Soon she has more important issues to deal with than whether to use a dagger or a gun to kill her next target.
First, she's captured by the Paranormal Intelligence Agency, a shady, clandestine organization. A PIA henchman tells Lorna that she has the ability to create and hide in artificial shadows, a power she had unknowingly used during her nightly killings. Lorna distrusts the agency, escapes, and flees to a small island where many of her potential clients want the king dead.
Then Lorna meets the king. Lorna hasn't felt the stirrings of love in a long time, but something about the noble Alaric makes her long for the light after her lifetime spent in shadows.
Torn between murder and love, Lorna has never been able to escape her past or her ardent desire for revenge, and now they may prevent her from her only chance of living a normal, happy life.
What do you think? Do you like it? Would that entice you to request pages?
Nicole, I'd add a qualifier to "the king" -- the query doesn't specify whether the king is the island's king, the country's king, etc etc, and since "king" typically evokes a historic sentiment, combining it in a query with an Intelligence Agency and guns feels a bit awkward. I'd clarify who the king is, and maybe establish the time period/setting.
ReplyDeleteHope that helps!
Um... good point, Faith. How about:
ReplyDeleteLorna distrusts the agency, and manages to escape.
Then Lorna heads to a small island where many of her potential clients want the king dead. Lorna hasn't felt the stirrings of love in a long time, but something about the noble Alaric makes her long for the light after her lifetime spent in shadows.
As for the king and establishing time period, this is an urban fantasy piece. It's set in the modern world, although I created the island. It's isn't run like most countries. There's a king and the island is a tourist attraction - the inhabitants live life as if they lived back in Victorian England. But I don't think this is necessary information for the query letter. Too many details can be more confusing than too few, at least I think so.
Ooh, that sounds better! And yes, you're right, too many details can be more confusing in the long run... and since presumably your query would specify 'urban fantasy', the king/island aspect would make more sense.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with querying!
It does mention the genre, I just posted the pitch portion of the query letter. I'm glad you think that sounds better! :) Here's hoping that some agents nibble on this hook!
ReplyDelete