tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post7466808502598084990..comments2024-03-21T08:24:26.083-04:00Comments on Where Fantasy and Love Take Flight: First Page - THE PRINCESS'S TREASURE HUNTNicole Zoltackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-81256239441128531672012-02-21T20:03:09.816-05:002012-02-21T20:03:09.816-05:00I think you have a great twist on a princess story...I think you have a great twist on a princess story after reading only your first page. I love that she still has to learn how to do things like sew. Her voice comes through well and I am curious as to what happened with the horse a few months ago :) I loved the line "my tutor in ladylike graces", beautiful writing!Hope Robersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16877380868985454894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-21323603897490821892012-02-20T20:35:00.472-05:002012-02-20T20:35:00.472-05:00I love the symbolism and foreshadowing of the need...I love the symbolism and foreshadowing of the needle drawing Cassandra's blood in the very first sentence, and that the conflict is brought right into sharp (sorry ;) ) focus.<br />To bring Lady Bethany closer into the scene perhaps rearrange her dialogue ("Is something wrong, princess?") closer to the actual stabbing, since Cassandra's gasp would probably precede that.<br />Princess Cassandra will make a great protag, and is someone I would love to read about!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-46609201909768130042012-02-19T21:36:20.496-05:002012-02-19T21:36:20.496-05:00Awesome first page. I really like the voice of you...Awesome first page. I really like the voice of your characters. Good luck getting published:DAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-5145881192993277832012-02-18T15:02:59.911-05:002012-02-18T15:02:59.911-05:00I really like this! Cassandra seems like kind of a...I really like this! Cassandra seems like kind of a rebel - my kind of girl!<br /><br />Consider setting the scene a bit more at the very beginning. Maybe after Cassandra stabs herself, she could gasp because I'm sure it would hurt. Her gasp would catch the attention of both the Ladies in the room. Some physical description of Lady Helen would be good, too.<br /><br />I wish you the best of luck!Lindsey R. Louckshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16905479544791130030noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-68740294977974975562012-02-18T14:24:16.545-05:002012-02-18T14:24:16.545-05:00I really like this. MG readers will certainly rela...I really like this. MG readers will certainly relate to the princess who just wants to have fun instead of do her duties. I've already formed a bond with the girl just from this page. <br /><br />I guess the only thing that stood out to me is where did Lady Helen come from? Perhaps you should set the scene up stating who is there from the beginning.Shell Flowerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08127004188099765270noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-33402688954212755762012-02-17T20:47:14.069-05:002012-02-17T20:47:14.069-05:00Loving all your feedback! Thanks again for partici...Loving all your feedback! Thanks again for participating and to author Heather Burch! Everyone be sure to check out her debut YA novel, Halflings, available anywhere you can buy a book:):) Hey, we made it to Friday *pumping fist in the airAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-22825727929755745902012-02-17T19:29:35.668-05:002012-02-17T19:29:35.668-05:00This looks like such a fun book! I enjoyed the fir...This looks like such a fun book! I enjoyed the first page.Christina Farleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03459203755170266842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-56087593558878760402012-02-17T15:15:40.598-05:002012-02-17T15:15:40.598-05:00Oh, to be able to go lie down whenever! I feel lik...Oh, to be able to go lie down whenever! I feel like doing it right now...<br /><br />I liked it! Good job.Elana Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05877856005992028912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-55849897359421328942012-02-17T13:21:52.833-05:002012-02-17T13:21:52.833-05:00Good first page. Maybe tighten those sentences a ...Good first page. Maybe tighten those sentences a little, watch the dialogue tags, but really great characterization and description. Sounds like a fun character to read :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-5160786884377463962012-02-17T08:18:03.820-05:002012-02-17T08:18:03.820-05:00That sewing needle can be soooo stabby! I love the...That sewing needle can be soooo stabby! I love the opening - I get an immediate sense of her character. Great extract!Talli Rolandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04780882465745107715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-11397554489066460722012-02-17T01:44:41.914-05:002012-02-17T01:44:41.914-05:00After reading that, I want to know more... You'...After reading that, I want to know more... You've left us with hooks - wanting to know more about Philip and what exactly she did wrong last time. I also like that she protests against her 'Lady' duties, but finds a way to get out of it.<br /><br />I'd probably drop 'nasty' in front of stableman, since the rest of the info sort of implies this.<br /><br />Also, when she spoke to Cassandra, I kind of expected her to have a bit of an regal accent or way of speaking.<br /><br />Otherwise, I quite enjoyed this. Best of luck.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-45957900521171769772012-02-17T00:26:27.346-05:002012-02-17T00:26:27.346-05:00Hi Nicole! The character's voice and personal...Hi Nicole! The character's voice and personality really shines through. The voice is relatable and fun but still sounds distinctly medieval. <br /><br />A few nit picks:<br /><br />-The sentence, "Not that Phillip..." is a continuation of the last thought and it felt odd to be the start of a new paragraph.<br /><br />-You don't need "Cassandra looked at her" or "Lady Bethany often prevented her from having fun."<br /><br />-You don't need "Cassandra looked down at..." You could just say "Her handiwork was..."<br /><br />-Lady Helen came out of nowhere, I didn't know anyone else was in the room.<br /><br />Hope that's helpful. Good job and good luck!<br /><br />-SharonSharon Baylisshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17361550815860670756noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-15987651269957472182012-02-16T20:19:17.175-05:002012-02-16T20:19:17.175-05:00It sounds like a fun book, and I love that your MC...It sounds like a fun book, and I love that your MC loves horses. I don't know if this was intentional, but I liked how the stableman is named Philip, since the name means "friend of horses." (I also have a Phillip, the father of one of my characters, who breeds and raises horses for a living.)<br /><br />Cassandra actually reminds me a bit of American Girl Felicity, who also loved horses and often tried to get out of lessons in being ladylike to ride horses and do other ungirly things.Carrie-Annehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05810154378449825641noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-82018631494784467932012-02-16T19:54:58.119-05:002012-02-16T19:54:58.119-05:00Adorable! I really enjoyed reading this.
My onl...Adorable! I really enjoyed reading this. <br /><br />My only suggestion is to use "said" instead of "Phillip told". That tripped me up a bit.<br /><br />You set the scene really well.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-44270707095668847792012-02-16T18:10:08.872-05:002012-02-16T18:10:08.872-05:00I also struggled with all the characters. Princess...I also struggled with all the characters. Princess Cassandra, Lady Bethany, Lady Helen, Philip . . . that's a lot for a MG to handle on the first page. I also stumbled through the trying to read the paragraph about Philip. Not sure if there was a mistake or it just didn't flow well for me. All that aside, I think it's a super cute story that my middle schooler and I would want to read! ~Thanks for participating & if anyone wants to join the fun, I only had 8 people email me by 5pm tonight soooooo I'm open to more:)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-67709347925838020442012-02-16T14:33:53.866-05:002012-02-16T14:33:53.866-05:00I enjoyed reading this first page. It gives us an...I enjoyed reading this first page. It gives us an insight into the personality of Princess Cassandra, also a bit of back story hinting at some sort of "trouble making" with the incident mentioned.<br /><br /><br />At first I was concerned that with it being the first page, there may be a few names to get used to pretty quickly. But after reading it a second time, it works nicely. I think it was the "Lady" titles that I had to get used to.<br /><br />I couldn't help linking a likeness of this character to Arya from G.R.R. Martin's A Game of Thrones.Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-20128203537231415762012-02-16T13:48:43.937-05:002012-02-16T13:48:43.937-05:00This is cute! I'd read it. :)This is cute! I'd read it. :)Rachel Schieffelbeinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-60241995893585914002012-02-16T12:04:52.783-05:002012-02-16T12:04:52.783-05:00Love your first page sample. Fun character/story. ...Love your first page sample. Fun character/story. The kind I like to read.Alicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09210398194494998143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-63346874898608898462012-02-16T10:17:45.962-05:002012-02-16T10:17:45.962-05:00I can relate to accidentally stabbing yourself. I ...I can relate to accidentally stabbing yourself. I swear the way I'm going to die is by using scissors to open a package. I'm dangerous with them. *laughs*<br /><br />I think you've set the scene well. :)Cherie Reichhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16663147386014122939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2955575393345766322.post-5229737359413375522012-02-16T09:05:19.414-05:002012-02-16T09:05:19.414-05:00"As her tutor in ladylike graces, Lady Bethan..."As her tutor in ladylike graces, Lady Bethany often prevented her from having fun." This line gave me a chuckle this morning. Good luck with the rest of your story!Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06924728397668988192noreply@blogger.com